A Testimony of Michael Tsaphah

To start, I would like you to know my impasse and struggles. I find that most people. Even I hid the reflection from the mirror of my soul. Who we are; because, if you know them would discover a hidden sin or iniquity. For some reason, we have shown a false face in modern Christianity.

We have become like the Pharisees and Sadducees, great hypocrites. Since my viewers read, my writings are few and far between in the podcast and blog world. I have nothing to lose to write a daily journal (if I have anything to say) as God permits me to give of my struggles and impasse.

I have nothing to lose anymore because I am not a minister of the gospel nor a pastor preaching to others in a congregation. I am just a man who has PTSD from my childhood and the things I did in the Marine Corps as an adult, nor is it to get sympathy. Why am I doing this, you may ask? It is not to get an audience with my readers, nor is it to get sympathy! I feel there is none for a fowl mouth war-horse, a former alcoholic who once smoked three packs of cigarettes a day. Yes, I did all of this in the Marines while I was a born-again Spirit-filled Christian (Bible-toting, tongue-toting believer). I still have the problem of uncontrollable rage, which at one point in time have thrown a couch through a window in 1984 during a fit of anger!

 I still have fits of rage, and my wives have unfortunately been victims of some of those abuses. These PTSD flashbacks would happen when I have flashbacks or see visions of my abuse. I’m not saying this is excusable behavior. I have also destroyed several computers, three to be exact. I have also smashed a printer, thrown a plate of food against the wall, and killed two cell phones.

In the past, I have gotten so angry that I would get in bar fights with eighteen of my fellow service members and three civilians. I put one man in the hospital because he used a racial slur (he used the “N” word). This anger was always fueled by my days when I drank heavily! From the time I took my first drink at thirteen until June 5, 2011. Thank God for the men and women of the police and sheriff’s department (I was a familiar face to them then) and the seeds planted during my willingness to change through Alcoholics Anonymous. I haven’t had a drink since June 5, 2011!

Even though I was saved at the age of twelve and Spirit-filled at twenty-six, I was still in the wilderness these thirty-seven-some-odd years because of what I believe to be my poor choice to enlist in the military instead of the Ministry. I opened Pandora’s box of oppression for all these years with Goliath-sized, demonic giants to battle. I am still alive because of Christ Jesus, who saved my soul!

If some of my readers see this and try to tell me I was not Spirit-filled, I will simply ask them to read some of the letters Paul the Apostle wrote to the churches. He wasn’t talking to sinners in those letters. He was writing to saints. Imperfect, gossiping, sinning, proud, and unrepentant saints that needed Jesus daily in their walk!

 “Because thou sayest, I am rich, and increased with goods, and need nothing; and knowest not that thou art wretched, and miserable, and poor, and blind, and naked: I counsel thee to buy of me gold tried in the fire, that thou mayest be rich; and white raiment, that thou mayest be clothed, and that the shame of thy nakedness does not appear; and anoint thine eyes with eye salve, that thou mayest see. As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous, therefore, and repent. Behold, I stand at the door and knock: if any man hears my voice and opens the door, I will come into him and sup with him, and he with me.” (Revelation 3:17-20)

John the Apostle

I am writing this blog for my sanity, not to get an audience. Also, I am not trying to be phony to my readers. That ship has long sailed away. Currently, I am going to the VA Hospital for my depression and PTSD.

Moreover, I am taking over three medications for my various mental illnesses. That’s my reality! However, I still hear God’s voice as clearly as the day I saw him some twenty-eight years ago. I knew I was a messed-up puppy. However, Jesus has paid it all, and I need him because of the three years a boy in my neighborhood molested me. A long time ago, some forty-eight years.

I have sought for others to rid me of this plight of suffering, yet they could only give me comfort and not deliverance. My friends told me to start telling others about my journey to recovery. I have found redemption in cleansing my soul, and I pray daily. I might get tons of emails and comments about what I wrote, telling me I need deliverance or I have a devil and need to be exorcised! As Paul wrote, I might have a thorn in my flesh (2 Corinthians 12:7)!

Paul’s thorn was the affliction of the trials he said he suffered in the former chapter of eleven. When he wrote:

“Are they ministers of Christ? (I speak as a fool) I am more, in labors more abundant, in stripes above measure, in prisons more frequent, and deaths often. Of the Jews, five times received I forty stripes save one.

Thrice was I was beaten with rods, once was I stoned, thrice I suffered shipwreck, a night, and a day I have been in the deep; In journeyings often, in perils of waters, in perils of robbers, in dangers by my fellow citizens, in perils by the heathen, in perils in the city, in perils in the wilderness, in perils in the sea, in perils among false brethren…

 In weariness and painfulness, in watching’s often, in hunger and thirst, in fasting’s usually, in cold and nakedness, besides those things that are without, that which cometh upon me daily, the care of all the churches.

Who is weak, and I am not weak? Who is offended, and I burn not? If I must need [KJV translation is needs] glory, I will glory of the things which concern mine infirmities.” (2 Corinthians 11:23-30)

Paul the Apostle

Now let’s be clear about my plight. Please understand that I am not saying I am an apostle such as Paul, who also exposed a sin he had in Romans chapter seven verses seven through twenty when he wrote:

“What shall we say then? Is the law sin? God forbid. Nay, I had not known sin, but by the law: for I had not known lust, except the law had said, Thou shalt not covet. But sin, taking occasion by the commandment, wrought in me all concupiscence. For without the law, sin was dead. I was alive without the law once: but when the commandment came, sin revived, and I died.

 And the commandment, which was ordained to life, I found to be unto death. For sin, taking occasion by the commandment, deceived me, and by it slew me. Wherefore the law is holy, the commandment holy, and just, and sound. Was then that which is good made death unto me? God forbid.

But sin, that it might appear sin, working death in me by that which is good; that sin by the commandment might become exceeding sinful. We know the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin.

For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I. If I do that which I would not, I consent to the law that it is good. Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.

For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me, but how to perform that which is good I find not.

For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. Now, if I do that, I would not. No more I do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.” (Romans 7:7-20)

Paul the Apostle

Notice the word me. Paul didn’t say we, you, or ours. He used the first personal common pronoun of me! We are all sheep that go astray. I am being transparent in a mirror, walking religion. Instead of reflecting the light of Jesus to the helpless sinner, we use the mirror to condemn the lost by showing them their sin and iniquities. Instead of bringing them to salvation using the law of the Ten Commandments and the royal law of love as the mirror, the Holy Spirit does the conviction.

When Paul said,  “we see through a glass, darkly…” that mirror he was referring to is the royal law of love. Mirrors are relaxations of light, and if we look at what we truly love, we will see the definition. This passage reads:

“Charity suffered long and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth, not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth…” (1Corinthians 13:4-8a)

Paul the Apostle

We see this reflection of our sin and not others. Like Paul wrote in Romans chapter eight and verse fifteen, which reads: “For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.” I cry out daily to my Father in heaven. If this is you, then cry out with me, and don’t be afraid of what others may think.

Then shall your mirror of “… the light rise in the darkness, and your darkness shall be as the noonday…” (Isaiah 58:10) So, join me now as we repeat this prayer. Don’t repeat it word for word. Just make it your own. Don’t do it repetitions; because it is not for that saying a thousand times all things in life is vanity. God heard you the first time, like he told Daniel. (Daniel 10:12; Matthew 6:7) Let us pray:

“God my Father in heaven, I ask in the name of Jesus Christ to deliver me from the unbalance emotions of wrath and anger. Your word says, “Be angry and sin not. Let not the sun go down upon your wrath.” Your word also said, ‘But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth.’ I have struggled with these emotions for most of my childhood and being an adult.

First, I bind the spirit of fear that causes me to have unsound thinking. Second, I release your power by faith that will allow me to conquer these uncontrolled actions with love that allows me to speak in kindness and peace to have soundness of my mind and my emotions to think clearly and godly.

I CAST DOWN EVERY IMAGINATION THAT CAUSES ME TO GET ANGRY! I PUT INTO CAPTIVITY EVERY THOUGHT THAT MAKES ME FEARFUL AND AFRAID! I pled the blood of Jesus over my body, soul, and spirit. I ask you to forgive me when I react in anger and speak things out of my mouth that are blasphemous and vulgar.

Whether it is to you or others that hear me, forgive me, Father, for I have sinned in my heart and mouth, and I receive your forgiveness and love. In Jesus’ name, I pray, Amen!”

⎯Michael Tsaphah 2023

I know I might have offended some of my brothers or sisters. That is not my intention. I wrote this simply to cleanse my soul and, in turn, show you that this is my darkest hour before I see the light of Christ. If it has helped in any way, I have done my job. If it hasn’t, I apologize for being transparent to my readers. God bless, and I hope I see you here, there, or in the air. I am Michael Tsaphah for “The Chronicle.”